Declaration of Annexing the British Isles as part of the USA

Last week we posted the famous "Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America". As promised, here's one of the most popular rebuttals:

"To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated."

Comments

[JF]

This is getting ridiculous. How about some good old-fashioned national pride? What the world needs is more jingoism.

[Graham Checker]

Found this quite funny ;-)

Seems to be taking the p1ss out of the Americans just as much as the British.

The difference is, of course, that we spawned America, not the other way round.

We are, therefore, the mother country and we call the shots ;-D

[malcolm]

Not as funny as the other way round, well I would say that ,I'm British!
What the hell does 'credenza' mean?

[Ken Stevens]

Well, I'd happily accept annexation by USA in preference to being subsumed inexorably and undemocratically into USE!

USA already has one State with a Union Jack on its flag (Hawaii) so we could add balance across the ocean in the opposite direction.

Would the US Immigration Department be prepared to trial the proposed arrangement by letting my little'un settle in the US now please, without having to queue for a permit?

:-)

[JF]

Malcolm, it's a piece of furniture. This counter-declaration was clearly written by a non-American, though. For example, we also refer to short promotional movie clips as "trailers," I have never heard them referred to as "teasers." Also, I don't think any American knows what the Scouse accent is (and I only know what Geordie refers to because my brother's flatmate is from Newcastle).

[Tapestry]

America might be a little bit more alert about the Constitution Treaty than they were at the time of the Nice Treaty in 2001. Pre 9/11 America had no idea or interest outside its borders. Europe was only of mild interest as a holiday destination.

Now it is the greatest potential threat to the stability of America's world, not just because Europe harbours terrorists that desire America harm. The EU itself, en bloc would set itself in competition with the USA as its number 1 objective. Judging by US channel news reports, they are at last awake to the threat.

They could start work in Ireland and encourage the Irish to remember the ancient loyalties between Ireland and America, and persuade the Irish to reject the Treaty.

Failing that, they could strong arm Rupert Murdoch and threaten him with the loss of his precious FIX, sorry FOX TV. Murdoch is subject to EU competition laws and acts as the main manipulator of EU power in Britain to ensure they leave him alone to make billions from TV sport - never mind the headlines in The Sun.

Murdoch backed Blair all the way, and he's backing Brown now. The USA must surely realise that they need to twist Murdoch's arm up his back harder than the EU is doing if they want the Constitution buried.

Other than that, once the EU acquires the statehood it desires, the USA might as well accept that there is trouble ahead, and it will have to fall into line behind Brussels, and face humiliation.

I am sure America is not sleeping this time, and she will fight to stop Merkel and Sarkozy. It's not too late, just nearly too late.

[David Belchamber]

"If you insist on playing this game (cricket) which is only played by former British colonies..."

The author is quite correct: the first international series ever was between the US and Canada, starting in 1844. Matches were played over the next 17 years and only interrupted by the American Civil War.

[JF]

Tapestry, I think you have been given incorrect information about the US. Fox News in the United States is a right of center news channel, and is generally hostile to Europe; dismantling Fox will be a victory for Brussels, not Euroskeptics (the American spelling of that word looks ugly, I'll admit).

Also, as far as Ireland is concerned, it's generally pro-EU policy and shameful diplomatic past doesn't provide much hope that it will be the savior you imagine.

[Da Coyote]

Ok...

First, number 12 has got to go. Misguided Europhile states like New York and California aside, the right to own firearms is protected by the constitutions of 44 of the 50 states and it is absolutely un-American that any American territory or state be denied this vital aspect of American culture. Truely, many Americans that I have spoken with agree with me that the British are not citizens but rather still subjects to the crown because they are denied the rights of free men to weapons.

Secondly, until France abandons it's 35 hour work week, Germany allows grocery stores to stay open longer than 6PM except every fourth Thursday, or Sweden lowers it's income tax rate out of the 80th percentile, I, as an American, am unconcerned with the 'threat' posed by the EU to America.

Now those thousands of nuclear armed Iranians chanting "DEATH TO AMERICA!!!"?

That concerns me.

[tapestry]

JF, I'm aware of the Fox standpoint. Murdoch is a sly old fox himself. He can run separate strategies in different places in his organisation. In fact he has to do so to disguise his strategies.

He will allow his newspapers to run powerful anti-EU stories, but he will go out of his way to keep the people, who ensure the EU keeps coming, in power, as that is all that matters in the end of the day.

Because he writes anti-EU, people are confused into thinking he has an anti-EU strategy. There is plenty enough evidence that this is a cover-up, and he has made all his progress in monopolising sport TV and holding onto monopolistic media positions by ensuring the various treaties get signed, and their protagonists such as Brown survive in power.

In the US, he will be thought of as a eurosceptic too, but that is where you would be wrong again. For evidence on this read Lance Price - The Spin Doctor;s Diary, who worked for Blair in 10 Downing St. Blair had agreed not to alter his EU policy on any matter without clearing it first with Murdoch.

Leon Brittan, ex-EU Commissioner is quoted this weekend as saying that Blair took more trouble to negotiate so that Rupert Murdoch's privileges could survive, than he bothered to protect Britain's economy. And Leon's a europhile!

The Murdoch position is sufficient to deceive most people in washington, and most people in Britain. If the USA wants to stop the EU Constitution, they must exert leverage on Murdoch one way or another - although it might be a bit late. But that's who controls the allocation of psoition amond=gst British politicans. So far Parliament has always caved in to his pressure.

Maybe this time, MPs will stand and fight for their survival, but it will help a lot if Murdoch is neutralised. America's intervention will be essential to achieve this.

[anti-taliban]

There is no way a Bush administration would want this. We have a population twice the size of California which means we would be a massive political force. Given our political culture we would return too many Democratic Congressmen and Electoral Collage Votes for the Democrats.

[JF]

Tapestry, it sounds a bit conspiratorial to say that Blair would clear everything through Murdoch--what possible material could Murdoch have in his position to blackmail Blair into such a position?

I don't think the US will intervene more than it has in breaking up the EU. The US has taken a mildly anti-EU stance since the 1990s (we worked against the EU rapid reaction force, tried to foist Turkey onto the structure knowing it would fail, worked to separate "new Europe" from "old Europe," etc.)

Why don't Euroskeptics save themselves by voting Euroskeptics into power? What about UKIP? It's been hard enough for the US to bring democracy to non-democracies; it's another thing entirely to save democracies from themselves.

[JF]

err, "could Murdoch have in his position" should read "could Murdoch have in his possession"

[Ken Stevens]

Tapestry 3.33.

"Pre 9/11 America had no idea or interest outside its borders. Europe was only of mild interest as a holiday destination."

Ah yes, paddling on Omaha & Utah Beaches or making mud pies in Flanders.

[Fred Baker]

USA has a poor record of running annexed countries Cuba, for example ended up being run by the Mafia and they lost 20,000 getting well rid of the USA. Interesting China is picking the many countries which the USA screwed up.
We once had a policy for the North of Luzon and now we barely have one for the North of Luton.
There still is the Commonwealth of Nations and that is where we should be focusing our attention as when the oil has run out we will be back to our old sailing ships!

[TomTom]

Firstly the USA should abolish the Supreme Court and return to democratic principles - the US Supreme Court functions much as the EU Commission

[JF]

Fred Baker, I wasn't aware that the United States had annexed Cuba. What year was that?

[tapestry]

I tried to explain the Murdoch/Blair relationship in terms of what Murdoch wanted from the EU, and what the EU wanted from Murdoch. Blair was the delivery boy, and so too will Brown be the same.

The USA pushed Britain into the EU at the beginning.

Clinton was complacent about foreign policy.

I'm writing in the current era not about the world pre-EU.

I'm not suggesting that America tries to save European countries from domination for their sakes - although that might be an argument. I am arguing that the US should act in its own interests and prevent the bureaucratic anti-American superpower from absorbing all of the US' allies in this part of the world and forming them into an anti-US structure.

[Fred Baker]

Fred Baker, I wasn't aware that the United States had annexed Cuba. What year was that?

2nd March 1901

[JF]

Fred Baker, the Platt Amendment provided independence (albeit a crippled independence) to Cuba after Spanish rule. As the United States never extended its own laws or citizenship to the residents of Cuba, can it be called annexation?

[tapestry]

The Philippines was the only directly rules US colony. That lasted 50 years, ending after WW2. Not a great example of humanitarian treatment apparently. More like the Germanic style of suppression than the British style of acceptance of local customs.

Funny how this thread is debating us becoming a US state or colony, when we are currently being broken up into 11 EU regions.

No such annexation has ever occured before in the history of the English speaking world...with agreements obtained by deception of the people, by infiltrating the ruling elites and media and bribing them to conform.

It's not understandable to Americans what is going on here unfortunately, but America will be the key victim in the end. Let's hope someone up there in the US government does underestand the threat the EU represents to America and they begin to work to protect the world's strongest and longest lasting democracies from obliteration.

[malcolm]

Glad to see you are as mad as ever Henry (Tapestry).Where do you get these conspiracy theories re Murdoch/EU from? On everything else you are perfectly sane. I fail to see what threat the EU would be to the USA. Militarily the US could walk all over the EU and Britain if forced to choose between the two would in my opinion choose the USA every time.

[Da Coyote]

So the European Union is anti-American? Interesting in a sort of casual way. But nothing to really worry about, after all, the United Nations is an anti-American organization and we've contended with their nonsense for 60 years.

Maybe if the European Union had an army I'd be more concerned, then again, maybe not.

[Kevin Sampson]

'Let's hope someone up there in the US government does underestand the threat the EU represents to America and they begin to work to protect the world's strongest and longest lasting democracies from obliteration.'

In other words, save you from yourselves yet again.

[TomTOm]

No such annexation has ever occured before in the history of the English speaking world...with agreements obtained by deception of the people, by infiltrating the ruling elites and media and bribing them to conform.

Wrong ! It is exactly how the Act of Union with Scotland was passed - the Scottish Parliament was bribed to assent