Declaration of Annexing the British Isles as part of the USA

Last week we posted the famous "Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America". As promised, here's one of the most popular rebuttals:

"To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated."

Comments

[tapestry]

Malcolm I give my sources each time. Lance Price who worked with Blair in Downing St - and also Leon Brittan says that Blair is more concerend to keep in with Murdoch than negotiate deals which are the UK's interest. It is you who is not sane if I may say so, for ignoring such important sources and preferring your own notions, placed in your mind by those who don't want you to know.

Kevin Sampson - not really. The USA should have changed its pitch on the EU when the Berlin wall came down. In its own interests. The US does not understand that the EU is not the UN - a talking shop with limited military significance. The EU will become a power bloc of Soviet proportions in time, and you will regret that you didn't do something to stop it while you could.

If the US doesn't get it now, they never will. As most Europeans don't really understand what's going on, I'm not surprised that Americans are even more baffled.

[Kevin Sampson]

“The EU will become a power bloc of Soviet proportions in time, and you will regret that you didn't do something to stop it while you could.”

Not unless Europe radically curtails its welfare-state expenditures, which I don’t believe will ever happen unless and until all the predictions about Eurabia come to pass. But at any rate, what would you have us do? A large minority, if not a majority, of Europe already believes we are the greatest threat to peace in the world. They see everything we do through this prism. Any attempt to influence the EU would be seen as either a) another instance of American stupidity or b) another instance of American malevolence. In my opinion, any such attempt would be counter-productive. This time your on your own.

[bundyfan]

It would be interesting to see Winston Churchill's vision come to pass, that Americans and Britons could move freely between each other's lands and buy property and work with little or no restriction. Why not? No need to give up sovereignty.

[JF]

Bundyfan: because Londonistan is breeding Richard Reids, and until Britain does something about radical Islam in its own midst, we can't have unrestricted immigration from there (as much as I look forward to that day in the future).

[bundyfan]

Well and I suppose we need to fix our own little immigrations problems. Point taken.

[pro_usa1776]

Hey "anti-taliban" ever hear 'bout taxation without representation? I say our UK brothers don't get to vote! As far as who started colonies, I think my dutch ancestors might have a disagreement with you!

[Joanna]

Personally, I like bundyfan's idea. After all, isn't one aspect of the "special relationship"--which I for one believe exists--reminding each other of the values we do not share with Europe?America's "European" heritage was through Britain, after all, and later immigration hasn't really changed that. The English-speaking countries should stick together:)

[Bobvious]

If a Brit tells me to worry about the EU, I will certainly listen. US bravado wrt the EU seems misplaced to me when we are so far in national debt that we will never get out. The band is playing, but the Titanic is going down. But, our good buddies the Chinese are floating the dollar. When will that end? Obviously at the worst possible time. The Germans are still German, and they might still have an axe to grind, and with the rest of Europe with them, what could stop them? Nothing, except themselves, and the Muslims. It is a weird time to be alive. The short of it is, the world looks like several catastrophes waiting to happen, but which will happen first? I hope that, regardless of what happens, the English speaking nations will stick together. When Blair stood with the US on Iraq, it did me a world of good. The sniping back and forth between the Brits and us these days befuddles me.

[steve]

is this friendly fire

[exchange scrap gold uk]

best of luck to everyone...