Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

For something a bit lighter, we thought it was about time we posted this infamous "petition" celebrating the diversity between Britain and America. This is one of several versions that have been floating around the internet for years (contrary to popular belief, it wasn't written by John Cleese of Monty Python!). We'll post the American rebuttal soon...

"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation."

Comments

[Peter]

I am a Brit living in Colorado. I have to say that I do not think the Americans are any more stupid than the British, although they are very different. I have been overwhelmed by how polite and accommodating people are here. True, many Americans have not stepped out of their country - but it is indeed a country of great variety and expanse. I never stepped out of England for a long time! Don't forget, in the UK we have the luxuary of having the Continent but an hour away from us.

And let's look at ourselves, taking the log out of our eye before removing the speck from another's - how many Brits (and newspapers, and even the BBC) continue refer to the Continent incorrectly as 'Europe', or just like Americans we often show a lack of knowledge when we go across to foreign lands expecting everyone to speak English.

What do I like about the US?
1. There is so much to do here
2. Shops are open longer
3. Prices are more reasonable - especially eating out
4. People are friendly and hospitable
5. There are lots of nice mountains to run up and down and ski
6. People respect the military (speaking as ex-UK army, where we are often regarded as stupid in the UK)

What do I loath about it?
1. Everyone drives - very little public transport in most places; hardly any trains! I never owned a car before I came here. An enviromental disaster - although nothing compared to the forthcoming disaster with the production of cars in the developing world.
1a. You're likely to get knocked off your bike if you don't have eyes in the back of your head, and on the side, and a radar on your helmet.
2. The news - I prefer UK news
3. No decent curry houses, that I have found yet anyway!

[Rob]

Peter, I have to agree with you on a few of your points. I have had the plesure to meet some stupid American when on holiday, but thats only because you dont know who they are until you chat with them, so for a long time I liked to think England was much brighter. I met a true Manc lady the other day and I do believe she must have been the most retarded person I had ever come across. Im not saying that im inteligent. I am rubbish a spelling. Your comment about Brits not respecting the Armed forces, I have to disagree. Everyone I have met respects what the armed forces do, most of them just say they are stupid cause they dont have the balls to sign up. It didnt help that Prince Harry got into Sandhurst even though his grades would not have qualified your average person.

I heard from a friend at uni in America that Americans are a great friend when you first meet until the point they decide they dont like you, compared to Brits who dont like you until they have decided that your a nice person.

[Janus Polenceus]

Every time when the USA goes to war with another country why they expect the UK to go with them? Invading other lands and killing inocent people. If we England or UK has to be slaves of the USA so how comes it is so difficult for the English or UK people to get visa to the USA?

[James Thomas]

Damn right! I agree with everything above you've said! Now we just need a crossword book to confuse Bush and we can stroll in and take over. After all, most of the American armed forces are blindly killing each other in Iraq and Afghanistan, so we are free to do as we wish. I suggest we start with New England, and change the name to Little England.

[Jay]

Ehh, what do ya' know, another Pommie pissing parade. Don't you guys have some taxes to pay? I hear Price 'Arry needs a new car.

[Jay]

Hey James.. you'll be mighty pleased to know (or not) there are plenty of dentists in the newly reaquired "Little England".

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The term independence is used in contrast to subjugation, which refers to a region as a "territory" —subject to the political and military control of an external government. The word is sometimes used in a weaker sense to contrast with hegemony, the indirect control of one nation by another, more powerful nation.

Independence can be the initial status of an emerging nation (often filling a political void), but is often an emancipation from some dominating power. It can be argued

that independence is a negative definition: the state of not being controlled by another power through colonialism, expansionism or imperialism. Independence may be obtained by decolonization, or by separation or dissolution.

Although the last three can often coincide with it, they are not to be confused with revolution, which typically refers to the violent overthrow of a ruling authority. This sometimes only aims to redistribute power—with or without an element of emancipation, such as in democratization—within a state, which as such may remain unaltered. The Russian October Revolution, for example, was not intended to seek national independence; the United States Revolutionary War, however, was.

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Moot point this was already achieved subtly over the years by:

1) Taking the rights of states to legislate themselves and control themselves - Civil War.
2) Making ammendments contradictory to the Bill of Rights throught the years.
3) Double, triple and quadruple taxation in most states.
4) Having Osama Bin Laden for president takes the cake, but presidents are scape goats for the corporations' CEOs and various politicians acting on their behalf.
5) The law governing parents on spanking their children.
6) The ole religious priests can do no wrong, YOU are the Heretic (child molesters).
7) "In God We Trust" the old alliance of church and government is all over our currency and judicial buildings.
8) Media has and is governed by the Feds, ex. there is no radio station that is not sanctioned and monitored and licensed by them. There goes freedom of speech.
9) The institution of slave labor has gone one cheaper and sold all jobs local to foreign countries like china and india.
10) Safety and security of the nation are compromised by (in the war on terrorism) not incarcerating muslims or out right kicking them out of state, actually use security on all our borders, land, air and sea.

Did I miss something ?
Well, the only right left in the Declaration of Independence is to forcefully
overthrow this tyrannical government yet again.

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